Cleaned and re-synced by Tronar
So, Gil, you need to prepare a zinger for the debate.
- Why would I do that? - Are you kidding?
You know what a zinger is, right?
Brandy and creme de menthe. I'm not a rube, Andy.
Not a... not a stinger, a zinger.
It's a comeback line.
You know, like, "I served with Jack Kennedy,"
"I knew Jack Kennedy,"
"Jack Kennedy fucked a wife of mine..."
"but you, Senator..."
"are no Jack Kennedy."
You gave me six cards.
Oh, come on, Gil John, you gotta think preemptively.
For instance, what would you do
if Digger were to call you out for being, like,
a hothead or a loose cannon?
Tell him to suck my cannon-sized...
Oh, oh, oh, no, no,
see, you're playing right into his point, right?
You gotta take the hit, accept it,
and turn it around and use it against him,
like jujitsu.
Right?
So for instance, you could say, "well, I may be a loose cannon,
but at least I don't shoot blanks."
Good one, Robert. The man has six children.
It's a political metaphor, not sexual.
And you'll be there to explain it to everyone?
Shouldn't Gil John be using, like, basketball metaphors?
Like "hot hands" or "getting good looks"
or "taking it to the hole."
Enough with the Kennedys.
That's enough of this ass-clownery.
I gotta get to bed, or Digger will clean my clock tomorrow.
If you think of any more stinkers, write 'em down.
- Zonkers. - Zinger.
- Whatever. - He's gonna be fine.
No, he's fucked.
Senator Biggs, did you support
adding anti-abortion restrictions
to the North Carolina motorcycle safety bill?
I did.
There is no reason you can't support two constituencies simultaneously.
If you can fit both the unborn and bikers under the same bill,
then why wouldn't you?
So are you saying that the unborn should be required to wear helmets?
- Huh? - Robert!
What? I'm just trying to keep it light. He's tense.
Well, I want him tense.
This is a very big deal. There's only one debate.
- Maddie... - If Gil blows it,
this time next year he'll be selling reverse mortgages.
Maddie, can't you see the man's brain's about to explode?
He's not used to all this.
You both know I'm sitting right here, right?
- Senator Biggs... - Quick question, Senator.
May we ask you a few questions?
A moment, sir?
What?
Turns out there's been some sort of miscommunication.
Um, uh... It's not actually a debate.
What are you talking about? How could it not be a debate?
It's a town hall.
A town hall?
You mean where a bunch of yahoos can ask
any random, dumb-ass questions they want?
Oh, Senator, well, it's not that bad.
The, um, yahoos are hand-picked,
and the dumb-ass questions are screened.
Well, there's your quality control right there.
You still got this, big guy.
Now, a town hall is not a debate, it's a performance.
It's one half seduction, one half misdirection,
- and one half confrontation. - That's three halves.
You can't have three halves of a whole.
This from a man who's always prided himself on giving 110%.
It was a cushion.
You put out 100% on the court,
it leaves you 10% to take a shower.
All right, now, listen up, Gil, this is important.
The town hall is all about situational awareness.
It's knowing where you are and where your opponent is
at all times.
So when it's your turn,
I want you to go down into the paint,
you make contact with the crowd,
then you go back out, and you set a pick.
That's neutral space.
Now, when it's Digger's turn,
hold your ground,
forcing him to either break left or break right.
And when he makes his move, you subtly shift,
giving yourself a 50/50 chance of making contact.
And with any luck, he goes down, and if he does, Gil,
show concern, then gently help him up.
- Play it classy. - Play it classy.
And remember, cameras are always on, so hold that smile.
Never look at your watch, and never scratch your balls.
- Play it classy. - Play it classy.
Now, you can do this, Gil.
Now, you need a little me time?
A little time to get in the zone?
I appreciate that, Robert, thank you.
So are you Mormon, James?
No.
Well, yes, but not really.
Mormons aren't usually that ambivalent.
I know, I struggle with it,
which is why I don't call myself Mormon.
I think if you call yourself Mormon, you should be all-in.
Oh, I agree.
I'm sorry that you're not all-in, James.
And I wish you were.
I-I wish I were all-in too. Maybe I could be.
Oh, I'd like that.
I'll pray for you, okay? I'll pray for your return.
That'd be...
Whoa, uh, here's your dad.
Senator, it's Lola, your daughter.
So it is.
How'd your exams go, honey?
- Great. - Oh, great.
I mean, you tell.
Um, "A" in everything but Isaiah studies.
What'd we get in Isaiah studies?
B-plus. The professor hates me.
I think he's a socialist.
Then he must be having the time of his life
at Brigham young.
You don't have to be sarcastic, daddy.
Why does everyone in Washington use irony so much?
I don't know, honey.
- You can go now. - Yes, sir.
But leave my daughter.
Oh, sorry.
That was dumb. Hold on, sir.
Oh, never mind. Too miserable to talk anyway.
I'm really sorry, sir.
When I get back to the office, I really should find out
why we hired that kid.
- Well, he's your godson, dear. - Oh.
Right.
What would I do without you?
Oh, you'd be fine, little giant.
God would show you the way.
I don't know.
He sent me to Afghanistan.
And Senator Andy Guzman arrived in Wilmington today
to stump for Senate colleague Lemar Farkus.
So I urge all the good-looking people of Delaware...
No, no, I need more than just the good-looking ones.
As well as the...
Pleasant-looking people of Delaware?
Yes, those are my people.
Still leaves out ugly people. They're not all Democrats.
There's a time to bring ugly people into the tent, Katherine.
After dark, say.
The important thing is the event brought in 400k.
That's twice as much as Lemar has ever raised.
Great. He'll remember. Quick question.
Yeah?
Who's that?
I don't know.
Some flack, I guess. I'll be in the hideaway.
Fuck me.
Well, off to a great start.
Could've used a heads-up on that.
Oh, sorry, ma'am.
You just never know when people
are going to start praying around here.
- Snack, ma'am? - Hello and welcome.
I'm Channel Five's own Dan "The Tan" Cipriania-Maloney.
Now, since I've had the pleasure
of reporting on both of these candidates
throughout their illustrative sports careers,
station thought it might be fun if I monitored this town hall.
All right, so let's get it going.
Let's get it going. Here we go, who's got a question?
For any of the candidates, either one.
Uh, here we go. Ma'am, yes.
Yes, I have a question for coach Mancusi.
Losing four starters like you have,
how do you keep Duke on a winning track?
Such a good question, ma'am.
As you know, I haven't resigned yet because I'm not a quitter.
And I won't leave a team mid-season.
But if I can keep my blue devils focused,
make sure they leave nothing on the court,
then no matter what happens in the postseason,
I can go to Washington with my head held high.
Uh, Senator Biggs.
What?
Sir, how would you keep Duke on a winning track?
Well...
I'd change coaches.
Okay, a little stumble. Good line, could've worked.
Audience is a little cold.
Next... next question. Anyone?
Senator Biggs,
do you think Ed...
Education re... re...
Reform?
No, it's re... Ra...
I'm sorry, I can't make out my wife's handwriting.
Been there, dude.
Not me, my wife Patricia and I
have no problems at all communicating, very close.
That's nice. That's sweet.
Unforced error.
"Been there, dude"?
Congressman,
I'm sick and tired of our nanny government
telling me how to spend my own food stamps.
- Can you fix that? - Don't tread on me.
Great question. Senator.
Fix what, sir? What is it you can't buy?
Firearms.
I worked hard for those food stamps.
And I got a constitutional right to the pursuit of pleasure.
Guns pleasure me.
Why can't you buy 'em on credit like everybody else?
I'm sorry, Senator, but I'll jump in here...
- Sorry, coach, but you can't. - Well, I'd like to.
'Cause we're almost out of time. Check your watch.
- No, no, no. No, no! - Oh.
Step away for a few. Pay some bills,
give the guys a bathroom break,
and we'll be right back with round two.
I'm Dan "The Tan". You stay tuned.
I think James is taken with our Lola.
Clearly.
You know, back in the day, that wouldn't have been a problem.
She'd be 3,000 miles away.
But, God, who knows what they're doing online?
Could be something premature or inappropriate.
- We'd never know about it. - Well, I trust our daughter.
Trust, but verify. That's what Reagan always did.
What are you talking about, hon?
Two of his kids became Democrats.
Senator.
- Mrs. Laffer. - Oh, what is it, Shelby?
Time for me to say good-bye. I'm headed back to Reno.
What? You've been pulled off the story?
Oh, no, sir. I'm just pivoting to your background.
Gonna interview some of your childhood friends.
I didn't have any childhood friends.
Oh, don't worry, sir.
I'm not gonna be asking anything embarrassing.
Seriously, I didn't have any childhood friends.
Except Jesus. Right, hon?
Okay, Jesus.
But Jesus was friends with everybody.
It's not like we shot marbles.
I'll dig something up, sir. It's no problem.
Shelby, that's the very definition of a problem.
Trust me, sir. Your story writes itself.
Sir.
Ma'am. I'll see ya.
Do you trust the story to write itself?
Well, depends on whether you're hiding anything, dear.
Adriana de Portago.
She's like a serious player in South Florida, right?
I did not know that going in,
but I've since been schooled on that point.
And she's ridiculously hot, right?
Like, at an elite level?
Yeah, that's her.
Oh, shit.
You come into my house,
and you show me this kind of disrespect?
Beginner's luck. I wish I cared more.
Ah, fuck you. Come on.
- Should I come back? - Hell, no.
Now that you're here, we can get something done.
- Shit's too easy. - Yeah, when no one's defending.
That's your whole game, is to distract.
I'm sure there's a simile for this meeting in there somewhere.
Don't care for similes. None of this "like" bullshit.
I'm a metaphor man.
If I tell you I'm gonna rip somebody's face off,
I want you to visualize it.
You said you wanted to watch the Biggs debate?
It's already started. Channel 61.
Hey, thanks.
Hope you'll join us. We should talk.
Sorry. I really do have better things to do.
Hmm, like what?
Like maybe giving a guy a record,
of which he has none?
Seriously, Katherine, not a single bill with his name on it.
Isn't that what a chief of staff does?
Aren't you supposed to be creating a narrative?
I'm going now.
So I'm right. You still got nothing.
All the better that I'm here to help.
You brought a bill? You arrogant son of a bitch.
Get the fuck out of my lane.
Whoops, too late.
Hey, it's Dan "The Tan".
Welcome back to the second half of our town hall debate.
And kicking it off is a student right here from St. James High.
Hi, coach Mancusi.
My name is Michael Hickenlooper.
Last year, the state legislature passed a bill that says
we 17-year-olds can no longer preregister to vote.
Do you think that's right?
Son, I like young people.
I spent years recruiting them. I respect their skills.
Ma'am? I-I...
I think we have a barn door issue.
- And he's on the move. - My God, where is he going?
But as a parent, I want my kids to vote responsibly.
Just as I would want them to binge responsibly
or hook up responsibly.
You see, son, history shows us
that younger voters just aren't ready.
Is it over?
They're too likely to vote impulsively.
To make bad choices.
That's why the North Carolina legislature
wisely created a cooling-off period.
To give young people extra time to mature.
That's just common sense. You tracking me, son?
Yes, sir. Thank you, coach.
Great answer, coach.
All right, who's got my next question? Yes, ma'am.
Lovely lady.
Hi, my name is Cindy Tull...
Whoa, whoa, what the hey, buddy? What happened to my turn?
I'm sorry, Senator.
Did you want to weigh in on that question?
Because, well, I'm thinking coach Mancusi
pretty much nailed that one.
Well, that's not how debates work, you pinhead.
'Scuse me? Hello?
- I believe I have the floor. - No, you don't.
I still have two minutes left to rebut.
There was a time when a Southern gentleman
would never interrupt a lady.
I remember it well, Ms. Tull. That's how I was raised.
Yes, sir.
All right, come on, who's got a tough one for the candidates?
Here we go. You, sir.
Coach Digger, how important would you say
discipline and self-control are in the game of politics?
I think they're very important, sir.
Now, I know my opponent and I
don't see eye-to-eye on this issue.
And I respect that. And frankly,
I don't care how many anger management classes
Senator Biggs may or may not have skipped through the years,
but the fact is he is still very much a loose cannon.
I think North Carolinians deserve better.
Well, coach, I may be a loose cannon,
but at least I don't fire blanks.
My...
Senator, as everyone knows,
my wife and I, like many other couples,
have struggled with infertility.
But that doesn't mean I'm any less of a father
to our six adopted children.
And we are outta time!
Okay, I want to thank coach You're-the-Man-Cusi.
Who the fuck gave him that line?
- Always an honor, sir. - Oh!
For all of us here on Channel Five,
I'm Dan "The Tan" Cipriania-Maloney,
saying, see ya, North Carolina!
You read about people setting themselves on fire,
but you never really expect to see it in your own lifetime.
Come on!
Come on, give me some. Gotta get some at the top.
- There's your money shot. - Go, Digger.
Come on, come on, come on. Way to go, coach.
- All right, coach. - All right.
Dilly. Gray.
You watch the Mancusi-Biggs town hall?
I know, I know, hey,
I teach a course at the new school in campaign train wrecks,
and this is the worst I've ever seen.
So what do you think the damage is?
Really? All right, thanks.
Talk soon.
Dilly DeSantis. Analytics guy I work with.
He predicts Biggs will be down 9.75%
in tomorrow's tracking poll.
And you heard that number in real time.
Oh, meeting must be over.
Mind if I stay and pick Katherine's big brain?
Why are you asking him?
Because, Katherine, I've noticed
that even though Andy's happy to waste his own time,
he never wastes yours.
Have at each other.
These are beautiful, Louise.
You've really taken your craft up a level.
You think?
I was so distracted by your procedures.
No, no, they're great. You could sell these.
Oh! What's your favorite?
Wow. Hard to say.
But you know, I'm partial to an autumnal palette.
Hey, Hurt Locker!
How's it going?
You make all those? Amazing.
Isn't the occupational therapy here the best?
- I made 'em, Rose. - Well, such a creative family.
Listen, I've got great news.
My office finally linked up with the stair lift people,
and they got it all installed today.
You, my friend, are good to go.
Really? They said three weeks!
- Rose has juice. - Tell that to my cable guy.
Don't get Louis started on that subject.
Yeah, one of my hot buttons, for sure.
Anyway, now that you're going home,
what do you say to a small faith gathering in the house
to thank the almighty for the blessing of your return?
I think that's a terrific idea. Don't you, Louis?
I don't know, Rose. I'm no hero.
Not saying you are, honey.
I just think a little prayer circle might be in order.
Ecumenical, of course. Can't just be Mormons.
Well, there won't be shouting, will there, Rose?
I hear you shout in Chicago.
No, Louise. No call and response.
Just a few prayers.
We do this sort of thing all the time now.
What do you say? I'll be happy to organize it.
You two have your hands full
with physical therapy and whatnot.
I'll have my staff put this together for next Saturday.
No, Sunday.
We want to be able to fold in the Jews.
Just don't invite anyone
without coordinating it with my office, though, okay?
This is going to be stressful enough
pulling together a list of names
who are not gonna be at each other's throats.
I've done a million of these, so I know all the pitfalls.
Later!
What just happened?
I know. Yikes.
Yeah.
What do we know about folding in Jews?
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Hi, beautiful lady in my bedroom.
Hey, handsome lawmaker in a silly, little chair.
Yeah, hero guy's coming home.
We're gonna trick out the house.
What you doing?
The suite at the Ritz is ready,
so Benny is helping me move in this afternoon.
- Oh, Benny? - Andy.
You know, I have a business and a life,
and if I wasn't so crazy about my handsome lawmaker,
I would be conducting both in Miami instead of commuting.
So give me a break.
And you know, it wouldn't hurt if you went back
to Florida sometime, you know, instead of, say, Delaware?
Hey, I thought you'd be pleased.
We're laying groundwork for the big push ahead.
Speaking of big push...
Oh, yeah, 'cause there's nothing
that turns me on more than a double entendre.
Oh, you want a single entendre?
Huh? You want to be single entendre'd?
Is that what you want?
Yes, please.
I'm sorry, man.
- Not your fault. - Kinda is.
I was on the ropes before the coup de gras.
Got no one but myself to blame.
I let Digger get into my head. But you know something, Robert?
If you actually listen to that dill weed,
which I did, since I had a lot of free time out there,
the guy's got nothing.
Seriously, he's a fucking feather, an amateur.
- I can take him. - I believe you, Gil John.
But I want to thank you for your help,
because I know you've got a lot on your mind.
What with this ethics thing dogging you
and possible expulsion.
I appreciate you trying to have my back.
Don't mention it.
Yes, sir.
If I apply myself, I can win this puppy.
Hey, Andy.
- Like that? - Mm-hmm.
- Really? Like that? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, Robert.
I forgot my yoga mat upstairs.